FUNNY JOKES

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult ..

A man only needs to be:

1.. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9.. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A doctor
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42.. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

3. Let him hold the Remote control

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has sex with her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom...

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'S--t!!! I'll do the dishes!!!'

You've probably already seen the google earth street view by now. Found some stuffups that went unnoticed.

This one as you travel down the street a plastic bag is stuck on the camera and nobody noticed
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=d&source=s_d&saddr=492+old+steese+hwy+fairbanks&daddr=190+minnie+street+fairbanks&hl=en&geocode=&mra=ls&sll=64.849165,-147.709963&sspn=0.00078,0.002411&ie=UTF8&ll=64.84881,-147.705066&spn=0.006429,0.01929&z=16

you need to drag the orange man onto the blue marked on the streetto get to street view


the next one the camera hit a bridge, if you scroll backwards and forwards through the bridge you can see the damage to the camera

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=embed&hl=en&geocode=&q=483+Martindale+pittsburgh&sll=40.449607,-80.00834&sspn=0.001439,0.002411&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=483+Martindale+St,+Pittsburgh,+Allegheny,+Pennsylvania+15212&t=h&layer=c&cbll=40.44963,-80.008852&panoid=xTnRKWiZZ_vhdbsqPi7FwA&cbp=13,329.92,,0,5&ll=40.460662,-80.004845&spn=0.04604,0.077162&z=14


cheers

Little suzy comes home from school one day and her dad asks her 'how was school today dear' in which suzy replies 'it was good, billy showed me his penis on the way home on the bus and it reminded me of a peanut' Why? because it was small? 'No, because it was salty!

This has to be the best way to drive some one nuts...and the guy must have some seriously bizarre thought processes but it sure made me laugh



http://forums.justcommodores.com.au/jokes-humour/132041-permission-slip.html

DARYL, THIS IS GOD.

Beer Karma ....stickin it up the vics yet again !!!!

Here is the original Advert from victorian tourism (watch this one 1st)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaZbnWpm5aU

And here's West Ends reply !!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3RwNM_XfXlI&feature=related

I am over the moon....just scored a brand new ipad for 85 cents !!!

ford jokes

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Found On Rubbish Dump
Fix Or Repair Daily
Fails On Rainy Days
Fails On Race Day
Found On Roadside Dead
Failure Of Research & Development
Found On Road Deserted
Fast Only Running Downhill
Factory Ordered Road Disaster
Factory Ordered Rebuilt Datsun
Flip Over Read Directions
Four Old Rusted Doors
Ford Owner Really Dumb
For Only Retarded Drivers
Ford Owners Recommend Datsun (Dodge)
Flipped Over Russian Dunebuggy
For Off Road Death
Fords Only Run Downhill
Fat Old Rusted Dog
Freaking Old Rusted Dodge (Datsun)
Forget Out Running Datsuns
For Old Retarded Drivers - Thanks to Andrew
****ed On Race Day - Thanks to James
Found On Rangi’s Drive - Thanks to Jamie
First On Recycle Day - Thanks to Troy Knight
Full Of Rusty Dents - Thanks to Jafo
Ford Owners Root Dogs - Thanks to Jafo
Found Outside Reject Depot - Thanks to Jafo
Flies Off Road Deliberately - Thanks to Jafo
Fish Out River Daily - Thanks to Jafo
****er Only Runs Downhill - Thanks to John Hamilton


Q: What does the GT stand for on a Ford?
A: Glued together!

Q: How come Ford makes tractors and Holden doesn’t?
A: Holden can’t get one to run that slow!

Q: How do you double the value of a Ford?
A: Put gas in it

Did you know that 98% of all Fords ever built are still on the road?
The other 2% made it home!!

Did you know that 98% of all Fords ever built are still on the road?
The other 2% made it home!!

Q: What do you call someone who buys a second hand ford?
A: Scrap Dealer


Keep out motorways clear, beautiful and user friendly.
So leave your Ford at home

Ford...At least they circled the problem.


A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I’ll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!"

Buy a Ford and you buy the ’best’. Drive a mile and walk the rest.

An ode of English Plurals

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England .
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and
get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?